Agent Scratch

>> Monday, July 12, 2010

“'If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting…'”

“Hey there, you with the Cyndi Lauper.”

“Who me?”

“Yeah, what’s got ya down, chum?”

“Awe, shucks, mister, I just got a rejection from another agent.”

“Say, that’s too bad.”

“Yeah, and it’s the third one this week, and they’re all just crummy old form rejections and it’s crazy ‘cause this is only the greatest book that’s been written in the history of words!”

“I know, that’s what I was telling my cousin just the other day.”

“Really? But you haven’t even read it.”

“That’s how good it is. At least, that’s what I think.”

“That’s what I think too!”

“You know, I have connections. I go to book festivals all over the world, I have… do you know who Michael Fitzwallace is?”


“I have him on speed dial.”


“Yes, and I want to help you sell this incredible, mind blowing masterpiece of literature.”

“That’s great!”

“I’ll just need $200.00 up front.”

“Huh? You’re charging me? Do most agents usually charge people?”

“By ‘most agents’ do you mean the ones who don’t think you’re God’s gift to the written word? Because I could be more like them if you’d like.”

“No! No, I don’t want you to be like them.”

“Besides, it isn’t like I’m keeping the money. It’s going toward postage…. Er, for the first ten submissions. Afterward there will, of course, be an additional fee”

“Jeepers, $200.00 seems like a lot of postage for ten submissions.”

“Well, it’s a large book.”

“It’s a picture book, it’s, like, sixty words long.”

“Are there pictures?”


“Are there pictures?”


“Then that makes it a big book. As a matter of fact, pictures are even harder to mail. It’ll be $250.00.”

“Oh my goodness.”

“I can go to $300.00, just try me.”

“No, no, $250.00 is good. Here you go. Now, what’s our first step? Hello? Hello? Hellooooooooooooooooo! (sigh) 'Time after time… time after time.'”


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